Jason's Story Around How He Almost Lost His Marriage And Then Came Back Stronger Than Ever

My name is Jason and I am honored to be chosen by the Thumos community as the focal point on F-game.  First, let me define what F-game means to me.  It is intimacy and the longevity thereof within a long-term relationship.  It is sexual fulfillment. It is mutual transmission of love between the masculine and the feminine.  I have no formal education in marriage counseling. No certificates, no degrees or fancy letters behind my name.  What I do have to offer is a story.  It is a story of a broken marriage. It is a story of heartbreak and healing. Most importantly, it is a story of self-development.  Over the last few years, I have used my story and the lessons learned within to both help men heal their marriages and to help men move on when the marriage is unmendable.  Through this channel, I will share some of those lessons that took me decades to learn in the hopes that I can provide some insight to men struggling in their search for intimacy with their woman.

Lesson #1

Take personal responsibility for your marriage's purpose

So that was it...  My wife wanted out.  It was a hard pill to swallow for a young man (at the time) who came from the "perfect" family.  There was no divorce in my family.  Not my parents or their parents or theirs..  We were of the Catholic faith and divorce just was not an option.  It was mainly for this reason that I blamed my wife for what was happening.  This was all her fault.  She wanted out, not me..  But, I couldn't have been more wrong.

Hindsight is 20/20 they say.  Looking back, I was doing most of it wrong.  At 27 years of age, I was climbing the ladder of success within my career.  Each day, I poured most of my energy into my job.  If my wife called me, I would  somewhat rudely try to quickly get to the point of the conversation.  That is, if I even answered the phone at all.  After work, I would return home exhausted and have the usual end of day small talk.  I would ask, "how was your day?", but I really didn't care.  I would expect dinner.  I was the main breadwinner after all.  I felt as though I was doing my part, and divorce wasn't an option for her anyway.  In my family marriage was forever..  After dinner, we would watch tv together, have sex and go to bed.  Repeat, repeat, repeat..  We fell into a routine.  Whatever vision we had when we took our vows was dying a slow (and very boring) death.  We were drifting apart and I was counting on our marital commitment alone to save us.  And then it was too late...

Routine is the death of interest.  There was nothing to look forward to, nothing to get excited about and no intention from either of us to change that.  And it was all my fault.  I realized as men, we are the leaders of our women. They expect that of us whether they know it or not.  It is a primal expectation that resides deep within their wiring. And from that place they are always watching...no, feeling.  I now know that she was my puzzle to solve, and I didn't even know I had a puzzle. And it nearly cost me everything that I love and cherish today.

So what would I have done differently?  Everything.  Here I had this beautiful soul to play with and grow with, and I was preoccupied with bills, emails, invoices and my own basic needs. What my marriage needed was spontaneity, fun, and nurture.  I learned that a solid marriage is like a garden.  If you do not cultivate it, it will wither and die.  

Action

After hard lessons and the willingness to do the self work, I now approach my marriage in respect to this in a few different ways.  The first is that I inject spontaneity.  It is as simple as suggesting a long walk on a beautiful day, going to have a drink at a run down bar on a random Tuesday, or even taking a painting class together.  At first, I will admit that these were things that I didn't want to do (because I was so busy taking care of "life").  But, what I experienced were some of the best times that I have had in my life and not only an interest, but a passion, to create these experiences where I could play with this fun-loving, gentle, beautiful creature and really get to know her heart.

The second thing I try to always keep in mind is my responsibility in this marriage.  We made an agreement to cherish one another, didn't we?  I now fully accept the responsibility of making her life beautiful and I hold her to that agreement as well.  My part in this is clear.  It is simply the realization that I can not make her love me, I can only become someone she can love.  I cannot force her to be attracted to me, I can only become attractive (more on this down the line).  The point is that if I want a good marriage or relationship, I have to realize that it is my responsibility.  Of course, it does take two to tango, but if one is a great dancer, the other can learn very quickly.  So play with that idea.  Become a great lover and watch how that is reciprocated.

The third, and possibly most important idea is of that around purpose.  In the Thumos community, we are skilled at helping men identify their purpose or mission.  In the years of your marriage or relationship, have you and your wife defined your mutual purpose?  The "why" to the reason that with all of the people in the world, you found each other.  When we share a common purpose with our wives, we create common goals, and common goals give us a reason to work together.  It enables us to work creatively with one another.  And where there is creativity, there is no routine.  As a couple one night in deep conversation, my wife and I explored our ambitions and objectives around only our marriage.  Not our finances or our children or anything else.  We attempted to answer the question: "What comes from our love?"  I will put that here:

The passionate transmission of love, the rejuvenating healing of sexual energy, and the boundless expansion of soul through mutual commitment to spiritual awakening.

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Jason